


looking back on 2009

by turning_saints



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Dan Howell, 2009 Phil Lester, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Oneshot, References to Depression, Things Will Be Okay, Trauma, it ends up happy, this is very short dont worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 18:28:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19836040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turning_saints/pseuds/turning_saints
Summary: dan howell still has bad days sometimes, but there are always open arms for him to fall into.





	looking back on 2009

The boy rocked back and forth, his skinny arms curling around his shivering body. He was sitting in a bathtub, the now-cold water sloshing around him as he moved. Bubbles were stuck to his body, evidence of the happy scene that had been just hours before. But not anymore. Wax dripped from the bathroom counter and the rim of the tub. The air smelled faintly of perfume and lavender scented candles and what had been.

Most days were good now. They really were. He was moving on, forgiving himself. Little by little. He was practicing self care. But loving himself was something that Daniel Howell had never been good at. He tried. Over and over again he tried to look at the curly haired boy in the mirror and tell him that he loved him. And over and over again he ended up in the same way he was now. It wasn’t always a bathtub, sometimes his bed, sheets twisted up over his ankles, sometimes the tiled floor of the small grubby kitchen in his apartment.

Still, the days were getting better. Most days he forced himself to get up out of his bed and make tea, walk around the city that used to be full of color. Memories were coming back less severe than ever, and he wasn’t as helpless. He was pushing boundaries more and more, exercising three times a week and once he even went out to a bar, trying to meet new people.

Yet the bad days still came, and today it hit him when Dan was in the bath. Voices, memories and feelings came creeping up his throat, threatening to spill over into his mind. He held his hands over his ears, trying to push the thoughts away with his fingers. It never worked. It had been three months since then, since he locked that door at the end of the hallway, and hadn’t set foot near there again.

There was a sliver of hope. A man, who every so often visited him at the bookstore where he worked. The man had a bright smile and caring eyes. Sometimes they would go have coffee, and sometimes they would go to Dan’s apartment and listen to music, or talk, or drink tea together, just staring. This man gave Dan the bit of happiness that he was missing. He had a strange knack for always showing up when Dan was at his lowest.

And again, today, this happened. While Dan was sitting in his curled up position in the bath, his phone rang. A message to let the man in. Dan was up and into clothes and running down the stairs as fast as he could. Once he opened the door, the man took one look at Dan’s furrowed brow and tired eyes and held out his arms.

They sat on Dan’s bed. Dan was wrapped in the other boy’s arms, his head on the blue eyed man’s chest. The one he loved. Things were bad, yes, but they were getting better. Moments like these, calm moments, with just him and Phil together, soft music playing in the background reminded Dan a little bit of what hope felt like.

Phil tapped his foot to the music. They closed their eyes and listened together. The words were soft, piano and trumpet accompanying the feelings in their hearts. Dan rested his head on Phil, and whispered the lyrics along with the singer. 

“Looking back on 2009, when people said that it was raining all the time. I see sunshine 'cause I know that you are mine.”

Things will be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading my fic! leave comments if you liked it, or if you want any more! i accept *constructive* criticism.


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